RAMON PRESSON: You can hire me to write your homebuyer’s essay


RAMON PRESSON: You can hire me to write your homebuyer’s essay

It’s a combination seductive love letter, a marketing and sales letter, and a non-profit humanitarian charity letter that presses your compassion button.

I’m talking about the essay that you, the aspiring homebuyer in a competitive housing market, have to send to the seller to win the right to pay more than the asking price for their house. That’s because you, the buyer, must go to battle in a bidding war with several other couples the moment a For Sale sign goes into the yard. And if the pen is truly mightier than the sword then the homebuyer essay is the time to prove it.

The Web offers you a myriad of articles such as this one https://bit.ly/2Ry8KgU with tips on penning the winning essay. My wife suggests that I hire myself out to write personalized essays for Realtors’ clients. It could be very lucrative. If you or someone you know may be interested take a look at my sample below.

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Dear Home Seller, Sept 4

We really like your home and in light of you having two other offers we are willing to meet your asking price, assuming the house passes inspection.

Best Regards,

The Pressons
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Dear Home Seller, Sept 7

After some coaching from our Realtor, what we really meant to say is that we absolutely LOVE your glorious house which undoubtedly will pass inspection with flying colors. Therefore, we would like to offer you $2,000 above your asking price.

Very Warmly,

The Pressons

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Dear Home Seller, Sept 12

Tell you what, forget the inspection.

We’ll accept the house regardless of its true
condition. And we’ll give you $4,000 above asking price. That means we won’t be able to continue to pay for my ailing grandmother’s in-home care and breathing treatments, but I’m sure she won’t mind because she’s been ready to go to heaven ever since her husband died in ’87 and Matlock was cancelled in ’95.

With Love,

The Pressons
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Dear Home Seller, Sept 20

From stalking you on Facebook and Instagram, we realized that we have several things in common such as our mutual love for ugly cat memes, complaining about Mondays, and taking photos of our food. By the way, we were so sorry to read about your daughter’s dead goldfish and we totally understand how flushing Goldilocks down the toilet was an emotional experience for everyone.

You’re in our thoughts and prayers,

The Pressons
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Dear Home Seller, Sept 29

Now that we’ve offered $10,000 above your asking price, have successfully bribed one of the rival buyers to drop out of the bidding war, and frightened off the Millers with a series of threatening messages using cut-out letters from magazines, I trust that you are ready to accept our generous offer.

My wife’s hair is falling out from the stress and I’ve resorted to drinking heavily to get through the day. We’re on our third Realtor in three weeks as we seem to have inspired the first two to make sudden career changes.

By the way, in case you heard a rumor on Twitter that I fantasize about breaking into your house and taking a sledgehammer to that room filled with hundreds of Precious Moments figurines, that is a lie. I would never enter your home while you were gone without a copied key.

Frustrated in Franklin,

The Pressons
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Dear Home Seller, Oct 4

After ignoring our recent offer of $15,000 over your asking price we would just like to say, “Keep your #@!^* house!” We were trying to do you a favor by taking that trash hut off your hands.

I’ve seen nicer granite countertops and a bigger travertine tile waterfall double-shower in Willie Nelson’s house. And you call that 2-lane tunnel off the master bedroom a “walk-in closet?” What, a joke! I could barely hear the echo of my own voice when I got lost. And what’s the name of that gigantic downstairs floor plan — Contemporary Corn Maze?

Hey, good luck finding a sucker willing to be jerked around for a month by an evil, greedy home seller. By the way, I have no idea how your front porch swing got up in that tree.

Bite me!

The Pressons
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Dear Home Sellers, Oct 7

What a surprise to learn that you had actually accepted our original offer! I’m not sure how we missed that message last month.

Of course, my offensive and threatening comments were all in jest. And yes, I would be happy to replace and replant the border of uprooted dwarf pines in your backyard. There’s no need to call the police or your attorney.

Best wishes in your move to Colorado and I hope the Miller family will enjoy your fine home. Please tell them that we never intended to hold their cat for ransom as long as we did but our children have never had a pet before that wasn’t a loaner from my Dad who is a taxidermist.

Forgive & forget,

The Pressons

Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) and the author of several books. Reach him at ramonpresson@gmail.com. To read Presson’s previous columns go to www.franklinhomepage.com/?s=ramon+presson

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