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RAMON PRESSON: Take the OREO Personality Assessment


RAMON PRESSON: Take the OREO Personality Assessment

Analysts at the R.L. Presson Labs of Highly Questionable Research Methods and Statistics have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities.

Take the quick assessment below by selecting your preferred way to eat an Oreo. Circle your answer with a permanent marker on your laptop or iPhone screen.

  1. I eat the entire cookie at once.
  2. I eat an Oreo one bite at a time.
  3. I eat it slowly and methodically.
  4. I eat an Oreo by rapid nibbling.
  5. I take a sip of milk after each bite.
  6. I dunk my Oreos in milk.
  7. I twist the Oreo apart, eat the inside, and then eat the cookie.
  8. I twist the Oreo apart, eat the inside, and then toss the cookie.
  9. I eat just the cookie, not the inside.
  10. I don’t have a favorite way to eat Oreos because I do not like Oreos.

Now review your diagnosis below.

1. The whole cookie: Your habit of putting an entire cookie in your mouth could mean that you are carefree and consume life with joyful abandon. On the other hand, it most likely means that you are hurried, anxious, and unable to savor what life offers. You never stop and smell the roses. You never even see the roses. You should Google “roses” for description and images in case your car breaks down next to a plant nursery or florist shop.

2. One bite at a time: You are one of the 7 billion people on the planet who eat their Oreos this way. This could mean that you’re a healthy, normal, well-adjusted individual. What it can also mean is that you are predictable, boring, and lack imagination. You likely work 9-5 in a cubicle or 2nd shift on a factory assembly line and fantasize about being an artist, novelist, or musician.

3. Slow and methodical: You are a rule follower. You’re very tidy and orderly. You never drop Oreo crumbs on your shirt or lap. You’re meticulous in every detail of your life. This is a polite way of saying that you are OCD and you irritate everyone around you. You need to loosen up. Try beating a stack of Oreos with a hammer and then lick the crumbs off the counter.

4. Rapid nibbling: When eating an Oreo you resemble a chipmunk eating a walnut. Working fast with subtlety comes naturally to you. You have a bright future as a
shoplifter. Because your heart beats faster than a hummingbird drinking Red Bull you should ask your doctor about Valium. You’re a quick thinker and a fast talker, but have difficulty concentrating so you may want to ask your doctor about Adderall.

5. Alternate sips and bites: You struggle with discontentment. An Oreo cookie alone is enough for most people, but not for you. The constant back and forth movement
between the milk and cookie is an unconscious attempt to restore some balance in your life, but it will take more than an Oreo ritual to get your yin and yang back together
again on speaking terms.

6. Dunked in milk: You would like to believe that your dunking technique is an indication of your always striving for innovation and improving upon the status quo, but
it really just means you can’t leave well enough alone.  You are prone to doing edgy things for attention; but you’d be wise to remember that there’s been a lot of people in
YouTube videos seriously injured soon after saying, “Hey Bubba, watch this …”

7. Twisted apart, eat the inside, and then the cookie: You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in taking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You are well-suited for a high-level position in the federal government.

8. Twisted apart, eat the inside, and then toss the cookie: You are focused and driven. You know what you want and you go after it. Consequently, you use other
people to accomplish your goals and then toss them aside when they are no longer needed. You also have poor impulse control and should consider setting money aside for
stints in rehab. You also tend to litter.

9. Eat just the cookie, not the inside: You don’t feel that you deserve any pleasure in life. You likely feel a lot of guilt from things in your past. Because of your feelings of unworthiness, you likely drive a very plain late model automobile (such as a ’97 beige Ford Taurus) and are in a relationship with someone you feel secure with but don’t find attractive.

10. Oreo Hater: You probably come from a rich family and there’s just no pleasing you.

Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) and the author of several books. Reach him at ramonpresson@gmail.com. To read Presson’s previous columns go to www.franklinhomepage.com/?s=ramon+presson

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