I’m not making this up.
This past week the PETA organization requested that we stop using the phrase “Bring home the bacon,” insisting that it is comparable to racist and homophobic language.
The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals recommends that we say, “Bring home the bagel.” Not kidding. And it doesn’t stop there.
When you’re weary because your spouse just won’t stop harping about the same issue, you cannot say, “Please, stop. I heard you the first time. You’re beating a dead horse.” Instead, PETA wants you to declare that your loved one is driving you nuts because he/she is “feeding a fed horse.”
And stop congratulating yourself for efficiently “killing two birds with one stone.”
PETA would like you to stop making light of being a murderer of innocent fowl and utter instead that you “fed two birds with one scone.”
I’m serious, look it up.
And even though actually grabbing any bull by its horns can get a person fatally impaled and stomped while the animal itself walks away injury-free, PETA asks that you refrain from insensitively saying that your underachieving employee just needs to “grab the bull by the horns.” Instead you should urge your lazy assistant manager to “grab the rose by the thorns.”
Please fur-give me
Because this is a family Web site, I can’t really express my most candid reactions to PETA’s nonsense. If I did, I can just see the fur fly at headquarters.
I’m sorry, of course, I was referring to fake fur. I assure you that no animals were harmed in the making of that last joke.
PETA protestors are loud and aggressive; I certainly don’t want to get in hot water with those people. Wait, I don’t mean like a lobster or crabs in boiling water. I was thinking along the lines of ears of corn or hard-boiled eggs.
Huh? Yes, of course, I was referring to organic eggs hatched by free-range chickens. Speaking of which, I’m surprised that PETA is apparently OK with our trite saying, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” After all, I think we all know what ultimately happens to most chickens that DO hatch. Surely, PETA would prefer that we caution against over-confidence by saying “Don’t count your daises before they bloom.”
This is as crazy as a loon
I believe this movement could get out of hand and incite other animals to protest language deemed insensitive to their species. I can foresee numerous animal
groups hiring lawyers to represent them to repeal phrases with negative connotations and to collect for damages.
Then terms and phrases such as the following will be outlawed:
“This country is going to the dogs!”
This implies that dogs couldn’t do a better job of running the country, which is doubtful at this point.
“They multiply like rabbits.”
This is a not-so-subtle slur against the sexual habits and mating behaviors of rabbits.
“He would rat on his own mother.” (See also “I smell a rat.”)
The common theme here suggests that rats are conniving, dishonest, and disloyal. This prejudice profiling is proven false by honest and accomplished rodents such
as Remy, Speedy Gonzalez, and Mickey Mouse.
“It was like trying to herd cats.”
This phrase reinforces the stereotype that cats are independent, selfish, uncooperative, and cannot be trained. That this is actually true is beside the point.
“It smells worse than dead fish.”
Fish are very sensitive about their body odor whether in a living or deceased state.
“Oh my gosh, he’s such a ham!”
Any reference to bacon, ham, sausage, or pulled pork can be an emotional trigger for a pig.
“Oh my gosh, she eats like a pig!”
Pigs are also very self-conscious about their weight. Research indicates that piglets are having body-image issues at younger and younger ages.
“Men are such pigs!”
A popular phrase used by angry women. However, swine greatly take offense to be compared to disgusting male humans.
Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) and the author of several books. Reach him at
firstname.lastname@example.org. To read Presson’s previous columns go to www.franklinhomepage.com/?s=ramon+presson