Good evening, I’m Ramon Presson, and I’m your host and moderator for this evening’s DECISION 2020 debate featuring candidates for the office of Assistant Stenographer of Small Claims Court of Williamson County.
Before we get into trivial matters like qualifications for the job and actual stenography experience, let me throw this question out like a piece of raw meat to a group of sharks — who among you is the most conservative candidate?
Becky: Oh, that would be me. In home school I was voted Most Conservative in my graduating class.
Ramon: Home school? How many were in your graduating class, Becky?
Becky: Just me and my twin sister, Jill. Mom caught Jill smoking a Virginia Slims menthol during Homecoming our senior year and that sealed the victory for me.
Ramon: Alan, you’re waving your hand frantically as if you’re stranded on a deserted island and trying to signal a plane flying overhead. Do you want to speak or do you need to go to the bathroom?
Alan: I’d like to say that Becky can’t hold an antique beeswax candle to my extreme conservatism. The Conservative Review called me, “a conservative’s conservative who will conserve conservatism.”
Ramon: Wow, that’s some serious conservation.
Alan: No! Don’t say “conservation”. Conservation is a liberal word. Buncha tree huggers. Don’t ever confuse conservationists with conservatives. They’re as different as night and Jello.
Ramon: That’s interesting. Because they have the same root word “conserve”…
Donna: Becky and Alan are wanna-be conservatives. If being conservative was a basketball team they’d both be riding the bench for the junior varsity. I’m ultra-mega-super conservative. If conservative was clothing I’d be a 4XL. I was conservative before conservative was cool. I’m so conservative I can’t even bring myself to buy Progressive Auto Insurance.
Becky: Well, I’m so conservative I refuse to make left turns.
Donna: Well, I’m so conservative that I don’t eat leftovers.
Alan: Well, I’m so conservative I’ve considered cutting off my left hand!
Ramon: Impressive commitment, but wouldn’t that make being a stenographer almost impossible?
Alan: This position is not about ability and accuracy, it’s about having a true conservative in the stenographer’s seat, thinking conservative thoughts while typing.
Becky: For once I agree with Alan. If we allow a flaming leftist communist liberal to be the next assistant stenographer in small claims court in Williamson County it’s the beginning of a slippery slope all the way down to the bottom when he/she’s a Supreme Court judge smoking weed with Ginsburg during court recesses.
Donna: Well, I’m not going to let that happen. Did I mention that I’m so conservative that I’m still watching a black and white TV.
Alan: Big deal, I’m so conservative that my TV only gets one channel — Fox News.
Donna: Oh, shut up, Alan. You put the “con” in “conservative.” My sources tell me that you once accepted a free 7-day trial of HBO during the summer.
Becky: Oh, you’re one to talk, Donna. My people hacked into your computer and found that you made an online contribution in 2008 to your alma matter — a liberal out-of-state university that once had Tom Brokaw as their commencement speaker.
Alan: C’mon, Becky, drop the “I’m more conservative than Jesus” schtick. I had my people break into your home while you were attending the God, Gold, & Guns rally back in May and we found an Oprah magazine hidden underneath your mattress.
Becky: Liar! You planted it there! Besides, Alan, my people broke into the county courthouse and stole your birth certificate. You were born in Anchorage, Alaska; that’s barely in America. I bet your parents were actually Canadian.
Donna: Ease up on Alaska. I just picked up Sarah Palin’s endorsement on Monday. Besides, Becky, my people have hacked into your MasterCard account and we’ve seen numerous purchases for Ben & Jerry’s ice cream — that socialist creamery out of Vermont. What’s next — you and Bernie Sanders exchanging love letters?
Ramon: Well, that’s all the time we have…
Alan: Hey, I happen to know that Becky hasn’t eaten at a Chick-fil- A in over a week and that Donna has been seen shopping at Michael’s instead of Hobby Lobby!
Ramon: OK, I think we’re done here.