Read Dr. Presson, Advice Columnist: Part 1 HERE.
Dear Dr. Presson,
I hope you can help me.
My husband Rob and I have been married longer than Taylor Swift has been looking for a steady boyfriend, but after all these years and all that we’ve been through, Rob still is very irritated that I don’t know the difference between a
Corvette and a Corvair … as if to get into heaven you have to first pass an Automobile Identification test.
And I often feel like I’m competing with chrome and steel for his affection. Just the other day I walked in on him staring at the centerfold of Hot Rod magazine, practically drooling on the page over the sleek body of a 2017 yellow ‘Vette. “Oh my gosh, Rob!” I shouted. “Her side panels aren’t even real — they’re fiberglass.”
I’m not afraid my husband will leave me for another woman. But sometimes I lie awake at night, suspecting that Rob would trade me for a ’57 Chevy in mint condition.
Dr. Presson, what can I do? How can I compete with something ten years older than me that has a completely restored rear end?
Kiss My Trunk
I understand your anxiety about your husband’s obsession with sporty cars.
You have to understand that for years your husband repressed his true feelings of compromised masculinity in having to drive a Dodge mini-van. Any time a man has to turn off the AC in order to have enough power to pass a Prius he feels that he is practically wearing a pink tutu and a tiara.
Rather than increasing your knowledge ABOUT cars I want to suggest that you do a few things to make yourself seem more LIKE a car. This will excite your husband. For example:
* In lieu of your regular perfume dab some radiator coolant on your neck and behind each ear.
* Instead of candles in the bedroom try installing some Porsche dashboard lights.
* Whenever Rob hugs you make the revving sound of a Dodge Charger Hemi engine.
* Throw out your entire collection of DoTerra and tell Rob that the only essential oil you need is Valvoline.
* Instead of a diamond necklace, wear a Jaguar hood ornament on a fuel line around your neck.
* Wear a black leather one-piece outfit that resembles a bucket seat.
And if all this doesn’t work, you have my permission to trade your husband in for that Broyhill dining room set you’ve been eyeing at Rooms to Go.
— Dr. Presson